my ugly imperfections

hello.

2011-11-27T20:52:00.003+08:00

in need of venting my frustrations.

like wtf. guys are so fucked up lately. quarreled with one over a genting trip a few weeks ago. quarreled with my boss ytd. quarreled with my supervisor today. like a fuck sia.

this kingsley lam ah. damn ass. i mean cmon. ive changed a lot compared to my past. i used to be a fucking major petty girl in the past. but ive really changed. & though im still as vulgar, but im trynna cut down on it already. you cant see it cos you're not always together with me. i have my anger, my frustrations. of cos if i suddenly just explode, you cant blame me what. ive been very patient with everything. & you just blamed me for that. yeah, for that. just for that! it's just ridiculous. ive always been there for everyone. literally every single one of my friends. you should know me better than most of them! & yet, you cant understand. sigh. huge disappointment. some people just wait for everything to be done for them. i dont. i join in the discussion. but i dont get any credit at the end of the day. instead, i get scoldings, blames etc. so unfair. so major unfair. sigh. :(

& this supervisor of mine. number 2 ass. after all your anger, your scoldings, you tell me it's all jokes?! after blaming me for everything, you say it's just jokes?? gosh man. i really dont know what to say.
you said "

those were just jokes
best of friends always reconcile easily
because they believe that friendship can be measured by how tough you are in handling tough situation"

seriously? what do you take me as man? im a girl. im human too you know? i have feelings. after everything, you tell me it's just a joke? i really cannot accept it. really cant. sigh. big major sigh. :(

love.

2011-09-01T16:52:00.000+08:00

love, why you make things so difficult?

why cant you be simpler? what are you love?

i cant understand the meaning of love anymore. sigh.

quoted from a friend that posted on fb, "You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn’t complicate your life. Somebody who won’t hurt you."

sigh. :( im very tired.

Jetlag

2011-08-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

Why did you have to come back? My heart was already almost done healing. Now you're back, its like stabbing me with a knife. It was already 92% healed. But bcos you returned, the remaining 8% overpowered it! Why must you?? Whyyyyyyy q. You're torturing me you know? :( i still do like you very much. You too. But we both know it will never be possible. Sigh. Im damn stupid.

thoughts.

2011-08-19T03:47:00.000+08:00

talking to a bestfriend. she said im as silly as her but im way stronger. which well, i gotta agree. having to go through so much isnt easy.
though what ive gone through isnt like as though i lost a loved one or some other things. but being in my shoes is as tough too.
going through countless times of almost losing my mum. no dad when i grow up. (please dont tell me at least i have a step father who raised me up blahblahblah cos it's all bullshit.). getting molested countless times as well. had suicidal thoughts cos ive always thought im a letdown to my mum & my other relatives. & cutting myself over dumb fucks.

i guess somehow... all these things has made me a lot stronger than the past. so to this dearest friend of mine, let yourself overcome the fear & let yourself start growing stronger day by day. i'll be with you always. no matter what. even if in future, we dont agree on some things & we start having arguments, i promise i will not leave. no matter what, this friendship is very important to me. cos you're a very important friend. & i will never let our friendship get destroyed. :) i love you bestfriend. :)

a part.

2011-08-12T02:57:00.000+08:00

drifting away. new friends. no need the used-to-be-a-lot-closer-friends already luh. its okay. im fine with it. :)

hello august. see you next year july!

2011-08-01T05:16:00.000+08:00

july has been rather alright to me.

yesterday was the first time i felt happier i guess?

he actually do take notice.

asked about my family. my studies. etcetc.

he even told me his history & his future plans.

the feeling of wanting to see him is getting worse each day.

knowing im in the morning today & he's in the evening. he asked me about wednesday cos he thought im in the morning tmr too. lol.

i know its wrong. i do know.

& i recently realized something which he pointed out.

he said i treat him badly & im not as nice as i am to the other guy. lol?

so i realized that, when i like someone, i tend to wanna hide it. so i'd do things to make the other party think that i dont really like him. example? well... i would be rude most of the time. have that fucked up attitude at times. treat him as badly as i can. lol. that's just me.

& i also found out something! lol.

i actually like guys whose english is good! lol.

well, like k? a? q? weird hur.

i wont do anything wrong. but for now, please let me be happy. for that little while. i promise i wont go over board. i promise.

sorry for the lack of updates.

2011-07-23T11:07:00.000+08:00

but i have nothing to write or whatever. hahaha.

i'll write in point forms.

from lktg to gey38
from handsome guy to married man.
wanting to go back to wanting to stay.

yeah. that's about it. hahahaha.
i'll try to find some pictures &post it up! :)

pictures are in random order. so yeap. till i blog again! annyeong! ^^

sigh.

2011-06-22T23:38:00.000+08:00

i feel so broke. :(
so broke that i have no money to eat tomorrrrrrrrow. :(
2 people owe me money. each person 21.
one keeps forgetting about it. another one doesnt even reply. :(
i know they're very broke too.
should i just forget about it?
it's $42... :(
& i really hate asking for money. big big sighhhh.

my 21st!

2011-06-12T12:01:00.000+08:00

had my 21st celebration a week ago. it was awesomeeee. i guess? hahaha. let the pictures do the talking alright? but i wont upload all cos facebook has all the pictures alr. heh. & im totally thankful to those who attended & those who cant but bought presents. hehehehe. thank youuuuu so so much. :)

special thanks to: karylan lee for the cake. meiting, xinyi & nelson for coming earlier to help out.

thomas, jesmond & aaronlim for helping with decorations.

jet lag talks about me & you.

2011-05-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

What time is it where you are?
I miss you more than anything. Back at home you feel so far,
Waitin for the phone to ring.
It's gettin lonely livin upside down, I don't even wanna be in this town!
Tryin to figure out the time zones makin me crazy.

You say good morning When it's midnight.
Going out of my head Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset, It's drivin me mad I miss you so bad and my heart heart heart is so jetlagged
What time is it where you are?
5 more days and i'll be home.
I keep your picture in my car, I hate the thought of you alone.

I've been keepin busy all the time, Just to try to keep you off my mind.
Tryin to figure out the time zones makin me crazy, I miss you so bad.
I wanna share your horizon and see the same sunrising.
Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.

my mind. my heart.

2011-05-03T03:52:00.000+08:00

"im never ever gonna be good enough for you, am i?"

"i realised i was holding onto something that didnt exist anymore. that the person i missed didnt exist anymore. people change. the things we like & dislike change. & we could wish all day long that they didnt, but they always will."

"we'd be so less fragile if we're made from metal & our hearts from iron & our minds from steel."

i dont know.

2011-04-28T01:32:00.000+08:00

one year ago, you confessed. one year ago, you were so awesome, so nice, so good. you were everything i wanted. you were true to me. one year later, ..... why the dots? cos idk what or how to describe. have you changed? i hope not. im still special? i would believe a few weeks ago. now, not at all. why am i still trying after telling myself so many times not to? im stubborn like fuck. i miss you like fuck. but im trying not to text you cos i dont wanna seem so desperate to want your attention & shit. i was the one who wanted to leave. but you still mean something to me. you still have a place in my heart no matter how much of an asshole you are. cos i really do like you. but it seems so stupid. sigh.

blog is dying.

2011-04-22T14:50:00.001+08:00

so i shall just upload random pictures from the past. haha.
there are tonsssss of it! beware yooo. :D

생각하지 않으려.

2011-04-12T01:07:00.000+08:00

wanted to type everything in korean. but the direct translation is too... fucked up. lol. been trying to distract myself with games on fb, youtube & xinmsn. oh, & online shopping. it's not working really well. but i know im trying really hard.

rather know im no longer special than to know im still special but we can never ever be tgt again. that's reality. ive snapped back to it. really. or maybe trying to, at least.

goodnight world. you've been nice today world. today is happy day. i love my girlfriend. :) STOP CHEATING ON ME. :D hahahahahahaha. :x

jaybeeeee & si rong's earlier bday celebration.

2011-04-08T07:38:00.001+08:00

6th April 2011,
so i went jayyyybeeeeee with meijun & joanna! hehehe. jaybeee was quite funnnnn cos there's them! hahaha.

reached msia, went to city square for lunchhhh! we were superrrrr hungryyyy. had lunch at kim gary!

after lunch, we cabbed to kls or ksl, i forgot the name of it. LOL. journey there was HILARIOUS! super duper. im too lazy to elaborate though. hahaha. so anyway, we reached there & went to look for si rong's bday present. had quite a hard time looking for it. walked up & down & all over. was a litttttle tired.

then joanna wanted to do pedi, i wanted too. but nahhh. hahaha. so while she's doing pedi, mj & i went to walk around again & talk about random things. hahaha. around 30-45mins later, went back to look for joanna & she's done! so we continued to walk around. & finally decided to get a chio bag for her!

oh! & i saw tons of pretty bagggg. shall get it the next time i go! hehehe. then we cabbed back to city square. shopped somemore. mj wanted to get stuff for her "ah lao". hahahaha. but didnt see anything nice. & i wanted to get stuff for girlfs, but :(. will get it next time! anyway, it was kinda like bugis street though. hahaha. so around 7 i think, we headed back to singapore.

reached yishun around 8 i think. met limei & walked to taste of thailand tgt! bumped into my grams & my uncle + family. they were celebrating grams birthday! haha. such a coincidence!

we ordered food first cos bday girl is late due to work! ate happily! talked about lotsa stuff. & finally around 9, bday girl arrived! superrrr long nvr see her. around 9.30, cut cake & stuff.

& we left the restaurant around 10! didnt really wanna leave actually, but it was already closing. so had to.

went seperate ways. limei & i walked tgt cos we're going almost the same way. had a long talk. which wasnt that bad. hoho. & i reached home around 11.30! heee. i super wanna go jb againnnnnnnnn! cannot waittttttt!

i have a few overdue pictures that mj just sent me! so shall upload cos idk when will i blog again. so yeah. haha.

- sometimes, hoping is a bad thing. & the more you expect, the more you'll get disappointed. :( sigh. never gonna talk about you already. gonna really move on this time. it's about time to treat myself better. i dont ever wanna fall in love again. in future, if i like someone, can my friends please please please remind me the pain ive had. :( i really dont wanna feel this kinda pain again. way too painful. waiting, hoping, expecting. these 3, can actually kill a human being. really. dont ever wanna repeat this ever fucking again. i wanna be able to sleep at normal timing again. i dont wanna wait already. im losing sleep. which means, i'll be dying early. but i dont want to. it's really time to give up. been dragging this for way too long. so what if you still like me? if you dont put in effort, then what am i supposed to do? what do you want me to do?? i really dont know & i really cannot stand it already q. im tired. really tired. im sorry.

primary school official meet up & a few emoshit stuff.

2011-04-01T05:03:00.001+08:00

finally had a proper meet up with my 宝贝们! was late. but meijun & aaronlim were later than me! haha.
met limei & joanna at town. walked aimlessly. decided to go cine for kbox! but rooms were limited. so we could only sing for 2hours which is totally not enough. 1hour really makes a big difference. haha. so decided to watch movie! waited for meijun & aaronlim to come.

bought tickets for HOP! :D went to graffiti cafe for wanton mee cos aaronlim wants it. -.- lol. after eating, went to arcade. at 5pm, went for movie! it was freaking ass awesome! haha.

after movie, kamy came! hehe. :) kamy makes me happy. walked to ion to look for king & ryan. left after awhile. went back to cine for dinner! had my bibimbap! heheheh. happy kid. :D

had gong cha after dinner! happy happy kid again! :) went to 313's icing room cos meijun wants to get a cake for her sister's bday. kamy helped her! thank you kamy! :) went home after that. headed to fairprice. got alcohol. awesome max.

went home. came online. found some offline messages. & i begin to cry. out. loud. called meiting. idk why. suddenly just press speed dial & called her. :( i wish i could deal with it maturely. but i couldnt. i could only drink. that's my way of dealing it. i dont wanna cut. i already have scars. one of them is already for you. i dont wanna have more scars. i dont wanna be unhappy. i wanna be happy me. always smiling. although always bitching, but i was happier. a lot happier. i cant say i regret meeting you cos in actual fact, i dont. really. i just feel really sad about this. the perfect boy yet i cant hold on. you're too far for me to grab hold of. im really really tired already. but why is my heart still so stubborn? ive never really approve of you being stoned, getting drunk & not shaving! but i accept all this cos i know that's just you. & when you got good results, i felt proud. really proud. & you were happy to make me proud. i miss those days. i really do. i never minded that you were a malay. but we both know it can never last. my dad will never agree. your parents wouldnt either. i miss you. i miss the long nights. i miss the long chats. why are we drifting away? we should be closer. we should be stronger. but no. we're not. how did it happen? i really wanna know. you say you still like me. but we cant be together cos you dont wanna give me false hopes in case you're not coming back. but im suffering now isnt it? i know you're just making the pain lesser, better. so in future it wouldnt hurt more. but why do i feel so painful. whole heart is breaking. my tears may be dried up. but my heart is still crying. i wanna have melted ice cream with you. you promised to cook for me. you promised a lot of things. boy, i miss you. :'(

my favourite chemical engineer boy.

2011-03-31T03:13:00.000+08:00

i wish you could understand how much it hurts. i wish you wouldnt be such a dummy & not do anything. a girl confesses & all you do is haha. what does that even mean? you told her she's special. & then you do that? it doesnt show how special she is you know? you dont wanna quarrel. but i wanna know what is going through your mind! i wanna know! i need to know! if i dont know anything, how am i supposed to understand you. why are you like this? you've always been like this. you never really changed. i pour my heart out every time. but what about you? you dont. you never really did. when you confessed last year april, that was the only time you said what & how you felt. after that?? :( im really tired. really. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to do? i wanna understand you. i dont wanna quarrel. but how can i not quarrel when you just keep every fucking thing to yourself?

when i said you didnt care & didnt bother. that was when you acted like a man! that is what i want! that is what i expect you silly! i wish you could be like that all the time. i know you care about me. so when i said you didnt, you got angry cos you think its unfair for me to think that way when you actually do care & bother. that was my only way to see you being yourself. we have lesser things to say now. why? just bcos we're nowhere near each other? just bcos our only favourite thing is polka dots & melted ice cream only? i like you. i really really do. but how long can i stay this way? im falling apart. i really am. :'(

carinna's belated 21st bday celebration! ♥

2011-03-24T02:41:00.000+08:00

23rd March 2011,
met xinyi & headed to town. met carinna at 313 & walked to cine for lunch! cos we were all damn hungry.
had lunch at Javier's. food there was damn awesome! & the portion is so freaking much! cos we took a lot ah. hahahaha.

after that went for kbox!! my fav. :x hahahaha. sang until around 5pm? jiajia has already reached 313. so we walked over to meet her.

went to marche & eat again. LOL. jiajia ate first though. we were still digesting. hahaha. after awhile we cut the bday cake.

camwhored a litttttttle. hahaha.

catch up with each other. & then took train home! :D
while in the train, xinyi & i realized we havent take pictures tgt yet. so... ahahaha.

i had funnnnnnn though plans were a bittttttttttttttttt messed up. but it's okay. had fun :D & i miss jiajia sooooo much. :)

累。

2011-03-22T00:57:00.000+08:00

我好想跟你说你错在那里，可是，真的好难开口哦。不想伤害你，可是又不想再骗你了。好烦哦！应该这么办呢？你都有了新朋友，应该不要旧朋友了吧？算了，不说会对大家好吧？累了，要睡了。晚安。

你我。

2011-03-17T09:17:00.001+08:00

重看你写给我的信，让我真的觉得很难过。明明说要做一辈子的好朋友。明明说永远都不要吵架了。但是为何会变成这样呢？我们两当然有错，但是因该不能挽回了吧? 我常常说朋友就做到今天，明天再说。可是现在真的朋友就只做到今天了。我看起来根本都不在意，可是，我真的很难过。刚刚看了那些信，我真的好想大哭哦。你有跟我一样难过吗？我希望有吧。我可以肯定的说，没有一个可以像我那么的了解你。朋友这么多年了，真的不是做假的。但是我们还能这么样呢？我只能说，对不起。朋友做不成我也有错。我真的希望，你会好好的照顾自己。不知道几时才能见面。保重哦。再见了。

belated post.

2011-03-10T02:10:00.000+08:00

happy 22nd belated birthday ahkor!
hope you enjoyed yourself as much as we all did! :)
it's always full of fun & laughters whenever you're around.
thank you for bringing so much joy to our group.

8th March
went to holland v for xlb steamboat with karylan, thomas, meiting, krystal, joan & calvin!
krystal left halfway.

we continued to eat until around 9+. took the cake out & cut it.

after xlb, we went to marina square for kbbbbbbbbbbbbbox! :D :D :D awesome maximum though halfway i was a lil bored. after awhile, i was back to normal. hahaha.

around 1.30, we left & everyone cabbed home! :D

leong's farewell.

2011-03-05T22:58:00.000+08:00

met xinyi today & went to cine! saw jialeong at somerset mrt station, so went to cine together. shaun & guan hua were alrdy there. oh! & ruikun. lol. nelson came too.

went to suki sushi for late lunch(?)! hahaha. quite late luh. was damn fucking nabei-ish full. LOL. jialeong had to help us finish! & shaun had to lend us his fred perry paper bag to throw away food cos the staff there wanted to charge us for wasting food! wtfffff rightttt. first time sia. :( :( :( so thank God for friends like this. hahaha.

went to flea market with xinyi, nelson & jialeong for awhile. then the guys went to play billard, so xinyi & i went to sing at kbox! haha. only for an hour though. but better than nothing! after that, we had to take the lift down cos there isnt escalator or whatsoever. waiting for the lift was a total torture for us! there were four lifts. BUT, all were freaking full! there isnt stairs for us to walk down. so we had to wait. moreover there were tons of people waiting for the lift too. super wtf luh.

after meeting them, we randomly just said bye. okay, not really randomly, but out of nowhere, so we just went home. but the guys (except nelson & jialeong) went crrrrrrrrubbbbbing. so yeahhh.

oh! & xinyi treated me to koi! hoho! :D thank you again! :D

9 years.

2011-03-04T02:30:00.000+08:00

hello! today was an awesome awesome day! met my primary school friend of 11 years! OH. & we have not met for 9 freaking years. hahahahaha. at first, i was kinda nervous. like what has she become, is she still the same old her or not. BUT WELL, yeah. still the same old her. hahahaha.

had a lot of things to catch up on. aaronlim came to meet us! cos he knows her too. hahaha. & & he treated us to dinner! thank you very very much. catching up with meijun was really nice. she reminded me of things I DONT WANNA REMEMBER. those bad things i did in primary sch & stuff luhhhhh. LOL.

anyway, shall post a few pictures up! hehe.
& yeahhh, we're meeting on sunday! joanna might be coming too! we're going to attend a friend's bday celebration! woohoo. okay bye. hahaha. :D

not-too-bad weekend.

2011-02-28T06:18:00.001+08:00

a weekend away from home to studio m hotel! with the girlfriends! mainly, steffi, karylan, meiting & krystal! :D

met karylan at pasir ris. train-ed to tanah merah & waited for meiting.

cabbed to the patisser from city hall cos we thought we were gonna be late. bought cakes! kamy paid for them! thank you! :D

then walked to studio m from the patisser. reached around 2pm. went to the second floor to slack first.

around 2.30, finally can go to the room. & the room is not too bad. it isnt too big nor is it too small.

put down our bags & headed to chinatown for kbox! the kbox is awesome max. hahahaha.

went to dinner at chinatown food street after kbox with fifi, kamy & meiting. food was awesome max too. haha.

walked back to the room, krystal just came. played dai di & drinking games. after awhile, everyone did their own things. around 5+, steffi & krystal slept. meiting havent sleep but she didnt wanna go out to get breakfast with me & kamy.

so kamy & i went out to eat bak kut teh! hahaha. very shiok.

went back to the room & sleeeeeep!
sleep till 12+, woke up cos krystal was already awake. hahaha.

everyone bathe. one by one. took a group pic & krystal left.

the rest went to plaza sing for late lunch! heheheee.

then went home after that. :D
whole weekend was fine overall. definitely became closer of cos. hahaha. & we definitely know more things than we were supposed to know. i sorta enjoyed myself. but being sick & trying to enjoy the weekend is sucha bitch man. oh well. hope there is another chance next time when im feeling better! heeeesxz. & i hope xinyi would come too! oh! & joan! :D

the month of march is gonna be hectic. many birthday celebrations to attend. hope i dont go bankrupt. hahaha. okay! it's 6.18am nao. shall go back to sleep. HEE. byesxzxz. :D

untitled.

2011-02-23T00:21:00.000+08:00

today is gonna be the 3rd day of not going out. extracted my molar on monday. which is, alright. it was the aftermath. gum started to bleed. & today, flu is coming & also my throat is hurting like fuck. i wonder why. sigh. :( supposed to meet xinyi later. but.... :( im not feeling too good. & i cant even eat solid food. sigh. BIG SIGH.

anyway, cousin's wedding was on sunday. it was fuu-yooooh. major happy for him! :D

oh! & im damn broke this few days. i hope my friends visit me & bring food too. hahahahahaha.
okay. i was just kidding. me dont like surprise visits. hahaha.

& & & i cannot wait for saturday! will be going to studio m hotel with kamy, steffi, meiting & krystal! woohoo! :D

i hope i'll recover by then & can enjoy myself to the fullest with them! :D

teeheeee. okay. shall stop blogging. toodles! :D

HAPPY RABBIT YEAR! :D

2011-02-03T00:58:00.000+08:00

first of all,
HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY DEAREST XINYI! I LOVE YOU PLENTY PLENTY PLENTY PLENTY! HEHEHEHE. i hope you'll be happier, & happier & happier! :D ai ni oh~

secondly,
HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR! okay. im not very excited. just excited about the angpaos & mahjong! hehehehe.

im super sleepy. need to wake up at 8am to do hair, makeup & stuff. lol.
sooo... toodles! :D

future.

2011-01-26T00:55:00.000+08:00

a few months ago, im very sure i'll take advanced dip for the sake of it. but now, im no longer sure about it. i mean, yes, im very interested in video production & stuff. but the whole mass comm is just not my thing. & i also know that if i were to take something else now, my mum would kill me for sure. im just so fickle-minded. first i wanted accounting. then i wanted baking. urgh. i hate life.

i hate having money issues. i wanna go abroad for my degree. it's really my wish to study abroad. sigh. hating life now. wish i was rich. damn fucking rich.

bff's bday chalet is this friday. i cant wait to see the outcome of the cake. a little worried though. nono. dont be mistaken. not worried becos it's done by karylan. im actually very happy it's done by her. but im worried becos im helping out. LOL. im damn afraid it'll be destroyed in my hands. =\ let's just pray hard that it wouldnt happen. haha.

okay. im damn sleepy nao. goodnight people! :D

sljw

2011-01-13T01:19:00.000+08:00

she asked me why my last-day-of-2010-post doesnt have her picture at all. so this whole post shall be dedicated to her. haha.

we met in class on 8th January 2007. been friends since then. today is 13th January 2011. it has been 4years & 5days. though it isnt like 8years or even 10years. but you know we have really been through a lot. like how we didnt like each other. how we find each other irritating & stuff. how i find you super noisy (which you havent changed at all. :x) hahaha.then how you got together with engyi, then break & patch & break & patch again. & during that period, a few guys came & go. & how engyi changed for you. how much you cried for him. how much you've been there for me. cried with me. when you cried with me, i was very touched yet i felt you were silly cos you didnt have to waste your tears & cry with me. haha. but i appreciate it.

the day when you cried with me. i know i have to keep you as a friend. i will never abandon you. you called me, waited for me to go school together. you skipped school with me. went almost everywhere with me. during valentines day you didnt mind wasting your bus fare just to accompany me around woodlands & sembawang. i remember everything that you've done for me. xiexie.

we do have our fair share of quarrels. but at least our quarrels are always the same thing. at least we dont have much problems. though we always bicker. but we both know we dont mean it at all. thank you for being able to understand me. thank you for everything. 4years later, i hope we would still be as good. cos you should know i really dont wanna lose you as a friend. :) so stop quarreling with me hor! :x hahahahahaha.

i luh you fifi. :)

my not-so-secret secret.

2011-01-07T07:21:00.001+08:00

this secret has been with me since 7years ago. this year is the 8th year. everyone has no idea how painful it is for me to face it every single day. thinking about it before i go to sleep. not telling my mum that i still remember it. & sometimes it still haunts me.

i was almost raped. though one of my friend said that i was, cos i couldnt tell which is which at that time. but me being me, i dont wanna know whether ive really been raped before or not. ive shared this story with every girlfriends. this may not be something im proud of. but i wanna share cos i know im strong. very strong to be exact.

i may have some sort of fear towards guys but i dont really show it. cos i know i cant judge people. since they didnt judge me, then i dont see why i have to. especially malay guys. even though it was a malay who almost raped me. i dont detest the people who are from this race. instead, i love them more.

i may not know who is actually reading this ridiculous post of mine. & may be some of you might wonder why do i have the courage to write this out & let everyone read it. maybe bcos i want people to know that, im really a strong girl. i dont like my friends worrying for me. so i tend to keep most of the things to myself. & even if i do share my stuff with them, i would always try to end my sharing with a laugh.

you may call me foolish or whatsoever. but im like this. i tend to think about things a lot. my mind has like a million things passing by. i worry a lot. i cry a lot. but i always try to control these emotions when im out with friends. yes, it may be hard at first. but i do get used to it. i mean, who doesnt like seeing their friends being happy?

some people commit suicide bcos of molest/rape cases. if im emotional like them, then i wouldve been dead long ago. do you know how painful it is when after it happened, & you called your bestfriends in sec sch & when you told them what had happened, instead of consoling or comforting you, they doubt you & say you're lying/joking. how the hell could you handle it? well, i did. i cried a lot. but there's nothing i can do if they dont believe me & wanna spread rumous about it.

i dont blame them for doing it. never did. i just.... felt hurt at that time. if you were me, would you still be as strong as me? hahaha. i always look on the brighter side of life. who doesnt get emotional? everyone do. i have a fucked up real father who abandoned me even before i was born. he has a wife. so my mum is sort of like the 3rd party. mum was rational. didnt make a big fuss over it cos she knows her own position. dad told her to abort me. mum didnt want to. how irresponsible of him right? haha. when i was born, no one liked me cos im the child with no father.

people looked at me differently at times. bcos of so much dramas & family shit, mum had depression when i was in primary school. no one knows. it was suffocating me so badly. i was molested at least thrice. 3 times! tell me, how many of you has gone through this? i doubt anyone can be worse than me. ive always wanted to spend time with my dad. always wanted to be daddy's girl. but i gave up that hope when i turned 16. i felt... hopeless.

even friends look down on me just bcos of my appearance. those "bestfriends" always make fun of me. & my own friends hardly stand up for me. & yes, that's hurting. who has ever scolded someone for me cos they were making fun of me? who has really stood up for me when i got bullied? honestly, i can say, no one at this point in time. no one. friends. friends would leave you one day too.

this is my fate. there were many times when i wanted to kill myself. wanted to flood myself with sleeping pills. wanted to cut myself until there isnt blood inside me. i have... so much emotions inside me. but whenever i try to open up to some. they would always tell me my problems are nothing compared to theirs. so mine is not bad at all?

molested 3 times.
almost raped 1 time by a bestfriend's uncle.
dad abandoned me before i was born.
relatives looked down on me cos i was the illegitimate child.
mum has depression since im in primary school.
mum wanted to kill herself many times.

now tell me, if you only have one problem. dont tell me yours is worse. cos you have no idea how much i had to keep inside me. no idea how all these made me look stronger but am actually very weak inside.

what are guys? guys who look down on me, make fun of me, never really accept me for me, totally sucks big time. they should fucking fuck off from my fucking world & get a fucking life of their own.

ive been trying to ask for help. no one actually cares. all they do is scold you, repeat the same old advises, say how silly you are, never really put themselves in your shoe. these friends... i dont really have any comments. i need counselling. but im afraid. sometimes, i hate myself a lot. hated why i have to go to that house. why was i so close to that family? did i brought this upon myself?? why me? i was only 13 back then. i had good grades. good cca. good background. i was a good girl. but why me? why destroy that little hope i have! ive really been feeling so miserable. whenever i go back to yishun, no one knows how much hurt & sadness i have. that place is always haunting me.

at times, i would still feel so afraid to be at yishun. afraid he would come for revenge. afraid the same thing might happen. im tired. i hate how my life is sort of destroyed. i hate myself for being so stupid. for trusting people so easily. i hate myself so fucking much that i wish i could kill myself w/o having to think about my mum.

i just wanna restart my life over. i want a brand new life. i wish all these nightmares would go away. im so tired.

i know after this post, im going to sleep. & when i wake up, its yet another day. & im gonna be happy again. but for how long can i stay this way? i dont know. but for now, i can still hang on. at least for my mum, i can. :'( goodnight.

hello.

2011-01-06T04:49:00.002+08:00

wanted to blog a whole lot of emo shit.
but decided not to. so this post, is just a stupid post. thank you for even bother reading it.
& sorry for wasting your time.
goodbye.

first post in 2011.

2011-01-01T22:55:00.001+08:00

on the last day of 2010.
i went to town with meiting to look for krystal who was working at taka.
had lunch together at ajisan. karylan came to look for us after her work.
after town, went to karylan's place for steamboat together with her mummy!
it was honestly a boring last day. we didnt do anything else except to watch tv, talk & play monopoly.
but at least, it was with karylan & meiting. so it's alright! :)

actually planned to go marina barrage cos xinyi called me & told me hussain drove them there.
so i called kingsley & asked him. :( but he needs to work till the next morning. so oh well.
next time then :(

meiting & i were at karylan's place until 5+am.
headed home, bathe & slept all the way till 6pm!

i watched twilight on starmovie channel just now! (Y)
heheheh.
okay. im going for ms raudhah's wedding tmr! heheh.
egg-cited! cant wait to see how pretty ms raudhah is gonna be! :)
& i doubt i'll be sleeping! gonna watch tv till morning! woohooooo!

ajisan!

mango sago pudding meiting made for us! :D

our foooooooooooood! :D :D :D

darling girlfriends! :)

sent this to heaven. :) hope God read all of them.

steamboat-y!

last day of 2010.

2010-12-31T02:37:00.000+08:00

last day of 2010. summary of the whole year.

celebrated siti's birthday in sch!

xinyi's birthday with classmates!

cny with girlfriends! :D

ahkor's 21st!

sakae sushi dinner with two lovely people. feifei & ahkor! unforgettable day.

last day with classmates. :(

celebrated 20th bday with these lovely awesome people! :D

2nd year anniversary with ahtianxz! :D

chalet with besties from sec sch! finally full attendance! with ahtianxz & fifi too! awesome (Y) :D

joan's bday!

first time trying koi! :x

kamy's bday! :D

feifei's bday! :D

reg's bday! :D

first clubbing experience with girlfs! :D

xmas eve dinner at marche & marina barrage with them! :D

so ive practically summarized almost everything.
though it hasnt been really an awesome year. but im glad im gonna make it to 2011.
& im glad i still have all my girlfriends with me.
& i pray that, 2011 will be an awesome year for my mum, me, my cousins & all my friends.
:) i love all of you a lot.

2010's wish.
1) ~~pass econs retest.~~
2) ~~get a job after diploma cert.~~
3) celebrate birthday with all my friends. ✔
4) fly to either ~~shanghai, taiwan, hongkong or~~ genting for a getaway. ✔
5) pass english test. ✔

2011's wish.
1)be sure of what i really want
2)study harder & try not to fail my exams.
3)everyone to be happy & healthy.
4)leave q behind.
5)still be awesome friends with xinyi, kamy, krys, meiting, joan, steffi, regina, peiting, reena, minwei & siti.

xmas cards & presents from the ones i love!

2010-12-30T18:19:00.000+08:00

kamy, meiting & my hard work! :D

xmas card from asshole dear! :D

pretty card from dearest minwei! :D

present from steffi! :D

present from ahtiannnnnnxz! :D

card & cookies from kamy! :D

card from dearest jan! :D

card & present from feifei! :D

present & card from ahzhao! :D

present & small card from ahzhao's boyf, calvin! :D

card & cookies + masks from meiting! :D

present & card from ahkor! :D

drinkdrankdrunk & xmas eve!

2010-12-29T05:09:00.000+08:00

18th December 2010,
the day i got damn effing drunk.
met karylan at pasir ris mrt at around 9pm.
waited for meiting at tanah merah.
headed to harbourfront & met joan + calvin there.
went to powerhouse.
krystal came.
saw a few friends.
saw yingxian & margaret.
saw jacklyn.
saw michlee.
saw another guy but i forgot his name :x LOL

went to put our bags in the locker then headed to vivo to drink!
drank 3cups & i couldnt take it alrdy.
went back to poho.
queued up for 3hours.
& karylan & i were damn ....
lol.
so we took our bags & cabbed home.
first & maybe last clubbing experience. :x HAHAHA.

24th December 2010,
meiting came over to my place.
i got ready & stuff. headed out to meet karylan.
then trained to fep.
met krystal there. went to look for dearest reg to pass her xmas present! heheh.
bus-ed to 313 marche. queue was effing long.
took almost an hour before we got in.
thom came too.
joan & calvin were superrrrrrrrrrrrrrr late.
so we went in & sat down first.
opened up presents & camwhored (with krystal around, how can we not? :x)
thom & i are always having funny arguments. LOL.
ordered food.
an hour later, joan & calvin joined us. had lotsa laughters as usual.

after marche, we went to marina barrage cos meiting always wanted to go.
so.. kinda have to thank her cos it was seriously a beautiful place! super awesome!
andy (krystal's skating friend) came to find us too.
he bought beer! hahaha.
meiting was emo-ing & she DRANK A LOTTTTT.
lol. kamy was super sleepy cos she had super little sleep due to work.
all of us kinda had h2h talk with each other.
& it felt good to be trusted. felt good to hear heartfelt stories.
felt good to share some... things too.
just hope everyone would stop emo-ing & go be happy. :)
took turns to walk around marina barrage. really pretty place.
we slacked until 6am.
andy, krys, kamy & mt went to tb for charcoal porridge.
thom, joan, calvin & i took cab home cos we were super super sleepy.
& the car couldnt fit all of us. so yeahhh. heh heh.
i had an awesome xmas eve. :)

temptations.

2010-12-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

mixed feeling.
idk whether im suppressing the feelings or have i really gotten over it.
at times, i would still wake up in the middle of the night just to see whether did you msn me or text me or whatsapp me. & if i dont see anything, i'd continue sleeping with a heavy heart.
but at times when you suddenly talk to me, i wouldnt feel a thing.
is it bcos it's too numb to feel anything or am i used to this already?
you mean a lot to me. & you know that too.
i no longer miss you as much. but why am i feeling like as though my heart is still tearing apart?
no. ripping apart to be exact. sigh.
this.... is life.
im tempted to cut.
very very tempted.
seeing blood makes me happy i guess? hahahaha.
how long more do i have to go through?
how long more do i need to let go of this "thing"?
i dont like how im feeling at times. really hate it.
sigh.

no one.

2010-12-12T00:08:00.000+08:00

they just dont understand why you have to cut. they only blame you cos you cut. they'd rather scold you then ask why. each & everyone have their own way of releasing. some cry. some drink. some blog. some die. some eat pills. some cut. i mean, if i can be a little happier after cutting. then why blame me for it? yes. everyone may have different kind of situation. but it's just not the same. it cant be compared! i cut, doesnt always has to be because of love. cutting is a form of letting go for me. im just different from the rest. all i want, is for bestfriends to understand instead of scolding me all the time. i mean not all the time lahhhh. but whenever i do all this. would you girls rather see i do other stuff? i always say i regret cutting. & it has really been 2years since my last cut. at least i tried holding back every time. at least i really tried. you ought to gimme credit for that right? & this time it's only 1 cut. i cant promise next time i wouldnt do it again. cos im afraid i might do it again. you girls may get angry cos of what i just blogged. but all i want is just understanding from the ones im very close to. that's all. :( opening up is never easy. especially when you're the only child. cos all you do is talk to yourself. that's what i always do since young. i mean, not that i dont have friends. i do. but.. im used to being alone at times. used to telling stuff to myself than to others. dont put too much expectations in me. cos im really really really like that. :( & i may still be like that after 10years. i may still be keeping most things to myself. so yeah. dont force me to open up. cos i would open up when im ready. that's all i wanna say. :) i know you girls care that's why you scold. but caring has other ways. i really hope you girls would use other ways. & sorry for what ive done. yeah.

scars

2010-12-07T09:26:00.000+08:00

scars. i have plenty of scars. if you want me to count them, i cant. there are some that can be seen. some that cant be seen. those that can be seen was cut deeper. why cut you may ask? why be so stupid to do it you may ask? i guess, not everyone is able to understand. for me, cutting is a form of release. a release from all my emotions, hurts etcetc. i do open up. but i dont open up fully to everyone. i may tell this person part 1. another person part 2. i can never tell a friend the full parts of it. why? cos im like that. ive cut for friends, love, mum. though the last cut i had was 2years ago. these 2years, every bad thing ive been through. has been finally released i guess? i may scold my friends if they do it. but i can never scold myself if i do it. but... it was just one cut last night. just one. im not suicidal. i dont really wanna die. but i know if i cut too deep i might die. but what's the use of living in this fucked up world? i always ask myself that. & the answer is always the same. bcos mum is still alive. i cant possibly leave her & go myself. i cant be selfish. im a very emotional girl. laughing out loud when im out, is sort of like a release too. but not exactly like cutting. cutting helps me more. that's me being me. if you cant find yourself to understand this kind of me. then im sorry to have disappoint you. cos im really like this. ever since sec 1. ive been like this. im sorry. i cant change this part. i might change. but i guess... not now.

xmas w/o you.

2010-12-05T05:49:00.002+08:00

~~(5:52 AM) Q: i really wanna be with you even if its for the shortest time~~

you said this in may2010. christmas. you promised. :( you freaking promised.
i like it when you ask me to be a good girl. i miss you a lot.
to be exact, i miss the old you. :(

fml.

2010-12-01T03:59:00.000+08:00

so... you said other than your family, you wouldnt take anything seriously? so what you said & stuff, none of them were being serious? what do you take me for? just another girl? what in the world were you thinking about? i mean, all those time, you really didnt mean what you said? how can it be? everything seemed so real. so nice. too nice. too perfect. im having goosebumps now bcos the tears are being stubborn. i guess this is the real meaning of fml. so being together for that few months meant nothing? at all? shortest period. yet most painful. how can this be? you make me wanna fly down there so badly & reason it out with you. wtf were you thinking when you said it? how can it not be serious? so all this are just like a joke to you? a big big joke? wow q. thanks a lot. overnight, you turned my life upside down. just like that. how could you possibly say that? what do you really take me for??? i need answers. fml. fuck my life.

longdistance

2010-11-23T06:00:00.001+08:00

~~it aint cool.~~
~~kamy & weiwei told me it's cool. but actually, it's not. at all.~~
~~it's harder to talk. to work things out. solve problems etcetc.~~
~~that's why we ended it. though we really wanna get back together.~~
~~but i dont wanna wait. waiting is tough.~~
~~furthermore it sucks.~~
~~i'd rather do what i like, than wait for him to come on everyday.~~
~~mummy doesnt really like him. & he's afraid of mummy.~~
~~vice versa. im afraid of his parents. & his mum doesnt like chinese girls. only malay girls.~~
~~so what do you expect from this r/s? nothing.~~
~~actually we've already known each other for a year. we know each other when i started schooling at mdis.~~
~~but we only started to talk more in december.~~
~~& it's another month to december! haha.~~
~~oh! & his birthday is this saturday! haha.~~
~~& im not getting anything. nice.~~

~~& know what? he told me to go pay his mum a visit. tsktsk?~~
~~obviously it's a nooooooo. what was he even thinking man? tsktsktsk.~~

okay. i'd rather like key than him. HAHAHAHA. :x
key is awesome. awesomeawesomeawesome. i loike. (Y)(Y)(Y)(Y)(Y)!

2010-11-19T00:35:00.001+08:00

You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
To give me all your love is all I ever asked

Now I'm left to forget about us
But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song, you can't forget it

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way to let go of you
And I’m officially missin’ you

after a few hours.

2010-11-18T04:06:00.000+08:00

~~Q says (4:00 AM):~~
*its up to you to decide how you want it to be between us

you finally said it.

you said, if this was a chess game. next move should be mine.

now.. i honestly dont know what to say or do.

friends.

2010-11-17T03:01:00.001+08:00

so.. we're supposed to just end it like that? sometimes, i feel that you can feel how im actually feeling now. you just talked to me when i was just thinking about us. we were supposed to celebrate christmas together! you're supposed to cook for me! we were supposed to just hang out & watch movies together. you said you'll drive me to punggol end cos you think it's really beautiful there when you went the last time. i miss you. & i wish i could tell you. i would always have a reason to stay up till 7-8am. friends would always scold me. but at least i was happy during that period of time. i felt loved. & you would always chase me to bed cos you care. but now... i dont seem to have anymore reasons to stay up late. you were faraway in the past. now... you're further. i know i promised to move on. to let go. im really trying. ive been trying very hard. but whenever im alone at home, i would tend to think about those happy times. in the past, i would always try to rush home after school just to talk to you before you head to school. or i would always wait for you to end school & rush back home to talk to me. during exam period, i would always laze around. but you would always ask me to study. & if i doze off, you would miss call me. you always made me proud with your results. & i miss your cat. i miss your daily rantings. i miss your daily life stories. i miss your bad habits, cos i would always tsk whenever you do it & you'll know im not very happy. i love how sensitive you are when im not in the mood. i love how we are alike in some ways. eg. melted ice cream. i love how you would always open up to me though you're a very private person. & i also love how you always wanted me to sleep early cos you want me to live to 90years old & even found a report on people who died cos they didnt sleep early. i know you care. but you know im stubborn. & you did say you like my little stubborn fits. haha. we will never be like the past. but i guess being friends wouldnt suck that bad. take care love. :)

private.

2010-11-11T03:19:00.000+08:00

hello to people whom ive invited. i just needed my own space for a little while.

~~(5:41 PM) Q: you're my everything~~
~~i live for you~~
~~(5:41 PM) Q: i breathe for you~~
~~(5:42 PM) Q: the one thing in my life thats good~~
~~the one thing im grateful for~~
~~(5:43 PM) Q: you mean the world to me~~

~~this was in june. 20th june. when you were still at the states. when you were being a nuisance. when i chased you to bed but you wouldnt listen.~~

~~(2:55 PM) Q: its been a while since i made my pgf smile/laugh~~
~~im happy when she's happy~~

~~& that was on june 28th.~~

~~reading our old conversations & texts. just made me cry so badly. there were so many things we could talk about. you being silly & making me laugh all the time.~~
Dear God, please take this pain away. it's hurting so badly. this is the second time im crying so badly for him. first was when i left. & now, when he left. i guess it's fair now? maybe this is what you want? cos you werent happy that i left? im sorry. i had my reasons. forget it.
~~i should totally just go to bed & sleep.~~
~~yeah, i should.~~

~~imy so much.~~

Q :(

2010-11-10T22:47:00.001+08:00

it's so hard to have a normal conversation with you lately. im not blaming you obviously. just sad i can no longer talk to you normally. so hard to even see/find you online. where'd you go? work i suppose? you said you really wanna be able to spend more time with me. were you being serious or just one of your sweet talks? do you still like me? i really dont know. i have no idea what's on your mind. at all. & even if we talked, you would suddenly disappear. & i'll eventually get tired of waiting & go to bed. & then it would be days w/o you again. you know how much it sucks to wait? how much it sucks to not know where you are. it may be my fault for leaving you a few months ago. but i havent gotten over you yet. have you? i know we can no longer be like last time. but at least give me time. at least dont let me feel like you're avoiding me. or maybe you might find me annoying? i feel dumb. i miss you. i miss the times where i could tell you everything. every single thing. do you do this to girls all the time? or only to those who you dont really like? am i just one of those girls you got tired of? i wish we didnt even start. i wish we didnt even like each other. i wish we could be like last time. great friends. who could talk about anything. what happened? are you really busy or just ..... nvm. if you want me to get over it soon, then tell me. i'll go away until im over it.

1000th post. :)

2010-11-10T19:35:00.000+08:00

webcam with ahtian! she was actually at my house. we were just like... a few inches away from each other. LOL.

more than a year.

2010-11-09T19:46:00.004+08:00

~~(5:40 AM) Q: you know, i wanna be able to spend more time with you~~
~~but lately im so consumed with my work~~

so what does this mean? are you trying to give me assurance somehow?
idk. i really dont know what to say. we hardly talk anymore. we hardly text anymore.
i miss you so so much. :(

you.

2010-11-03T03:53:00.001+08:00

you're never coming back. to me.

im giving up hopes.
giving up hopes on guys.
falling in love with the wrong guys sucks big time. trust me.
you'll never ever know that feeling.
i dont want sympathy.
i dont want friends to pity me & say "dont worry. you'll meet the right one soon blahblahblah"
you guys... have no fucking idea what im going through.
dont say you know. cos you wouldnt or couldnt have possibly gone through this.
loving the wrong guy time & time again.
have you?? i doubt so.

i suck i guess?
just bcos im ugly. & fat.
that's why, no one can actually accept me for who i am?
laughing is my forte.
but how long can i keep laughing & pretending nothing is going on?
not for long.
cutting? who hasnt done it?
taking pills? who hasnt done it?
drinking? same. who hasnt done it?
are you thinking i would do silly things?
well, i dont think i would.
ive gone through all this.
oh. ive not been admitted to the hospital before! haha.
maybe my next life would be hell lot better than this?
maybe i would get an awesome boyfriend, awesome friends & family?
haha. maybe hur?

every guy ive met, has let me down. even the guys mum met.
how can i even trust guys already?
im losing faith & hope.
im losing everything.
im not trying to gain sympathy.
so if you're a friend or a really good friend, & you're pitying me.
then go away.
i had enough of those.
i want & need another short getaway.
this time, maybe away from every single one of my friends & family?

i feel like crying out loud.
but the stubborn tears is holding back.
& i really dont know or understand why.
maybe it's trying to wait until the day i can no longer take it?
i hope not.
cos by then, i would've died of heart attack or something.
hah.
this... is life.
but im getting sick of this life of mine.
what should i do?
im getting so tired of it already.
is it time to write letters & stuff to everyone?
idk.
i think i need counselling too.
:'(

this post,
might be how i call for help from people.
help? :'(
i might be giving this life up soon.

awesome hair day

2010-10-31T01:23:00.000+08:00

woke up early today.
went to town. waited for ahtian & ahleong cos they were having exam.
waited for 2hours becos of the stupid school.
ahtian you better love me man. lol.

then went to hk cafe to have lunch.
we were soooooooo damn hungry.
but after eating, we were damn fucking full. lol

left town. train-ed to yishun.
ahleong went off.
ahtian & i went to chongpang & do our hair.
rebond our fringe & did treatment to our hair.
therefore we have awesome awesome hair.
hahaha.

headed to northpoint. people at np are fucking weird.
keep staring at us for idk what fuck. crazy assholes. haha.
then something scary/weird happened which im too lazy to elaborate.
haha.

after that we took bus home.
had a long & awesome talk with ahtian.
plenty of things to talk about. & im serioussss.
haha.

shall post pictures tmr cos there's problem with blogger.
pictures are not loading. so yeap.
goodnight everyone! :)

~~Q says (12:19 AM):~~
*and fyi i still do care about you
*you're a somebody to me
~~Michelle says (12:22 AM):~~
*liar :(
~~Q says (12:22 AM):~~
*no im not
~~Q says (12:23 AM):~~
*i meant what i said

sigh. guys. *shakeshead*

short getaway

2010-10-29T17:24:00.000+08:00

went to genting from 26th oct to 28th oct.
nothing much to say. so yeap.

accompanied ahtian for her english oral today.
then went to studio m hotel to look for fifi.
sort of surprised her with mac's breakfast.
hehhhh.
after that went homeeeeee.

25th Oct

26th Oct - 28th Oct

this steak is 41RM each. & its damn nice.

kamy! clouds for you!

presents for girlfriends!

29th Oct.

a week

2010-10-22T21:56:00.001+08:00

trying to hide your feelings. pretending you're really really happy. seeing your friends sad & trying not to be sad. all these emotions has been tough to hide. knowing you cant be too upset or unhappy with your stuff cos your bestfriend needs you. & furthermore your bestfriend's boyf asked you to take good care of her when he's not around for that few weeks. so what can you do? try all ways to make her laugh. hoping that your stupid-ness & silly jokes would make her laugh. so that she'll feel much better. & when you're home, you try not to think about your stuff too cos your bestfriend might sense it & ask you not to bother about her too much cos you have your own problems. so hiding is painful. a week is painful. & finally, after a week. we finally talked! though it's for that short 10mins. im happy too! at least i know you havent forgotten about me. at least i know you really remember me. i missed you so much. i cant wait to talk to you again! :)

keeping up with me.

2010-10-18T03:31:00.000+08:00

why am i trying to please you all the time?
why cant you please me?
:(

12 more days.
would i still be that special?
would i still have the place in your heart after 12days?
:(

trying to slim down is so hard.
at times, i really dont understand why cant guys love me for who i am.
why must i go be the person they want me to be?
why cant they accept me like this?
why must i suffer just for love?
just for friends. for family. for everyone.
yes, slimming down = to being prettier.
but im somehow, honestly, a lil happy with how i am.
but then again, i miss being in love. so much.
the thought of having a guy stand up for you is so much different than having a bestfriend stand up for you.
can you guys even understand?
i hate getting stares whenever i go out.
i feel insecure that way.
why must you guys keep looking.
im not even pretty! & yes, i know im ugly. but dont you guys think it's a lil rude to stare?
im not perfect. & neither are you.
:(

every time when i have lunch or dinner.
i would feel so fucking guilty about it.
it's like, i shouldnt even be eating at all!
perhaps my tummy totally understand how i feel.
that's why i keep vomiting everything i eat.
:(

im really really getting tired alrdy.
i need a shoulder.
i dont wanna talk.
i just need a shoulder to lean on.
to cry on.
im dying soon.
i wanna drink.
get drunk & high.
that... would be fucking awesome.
:(

blog is rotting.

2010-10-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

okay. my cousin just forced me to blog.
so fineeeeeeeeee. here i ammmm. blogging.
okay. bye.

hahahahahaha.
but i really dont know what to blog about.
oh! i went bedok inter to eat & i also went kbox last thurs which is on 30th sept.
& i went bedok 85 to eat & also went ktv a few days ago on 7th oct! haha.
damn cheap okayyyyyyyyy. $8 only! i mean the kbox & ktv ah.

okay. im a lil lazy to blog alrdy. so pictures yeah? :D

okay. that's all. BYE PEEPS! :D

Fat.

2010-09-24T00:34:00.000+08:00

why the title you may ask. well, ive been fat all my life. yes. 20years. never been slim. so i dont really know what it's like to be slim & pretty.

been hearing people calling me fatty & all since the day i was in k1. im serious. mostly are guys (obviously luh). girls never did. okay. maybe some did, but i wouldnt know either. i have never been left out when i was in school. i always had friends around. always. up till secondary, i finally knew how "being left out" felt like.

i was always happy with how i looked like. i nvr really cared how fat i was. until i realized, people around me are slim & pretty. & they have many many friends. many guy friends too. people often ask me whether have i ever thought of slimming down. my answer is always no. but honestly, deep down, i really wanted to.

classmates always made fun of me. even goodfriends made fun of me. never really bother. cos i know it's just a joke. i should just laugh it off & not spoil everybody's fun. friends or even people whom im not close to always say im bubbly, cute, talkative blahblahblah. but no. im actually a very quiet person. i dont really like to talk. when im at home, im fine with not talking at all. & i wouldnt go crazy.

maybe the past me would go crazy. but now, i wouldnt. i was never afraid of public speaking. okay. i cant say never. but as long as i can remember, presentations & stuff i wouldnt get too nervous. i would still be a lil nervous. but now it's worst. i hate presentations. i hate speaking infront of the whole class. know why? i hate being judged. i feel damn self-conscious. inferior. & idk why or what made me bcome like this.

perhaps all the making fun has made me feel this way? i always tell myself, okay. it's better to be made fun of. cos at least you're the attention. & not others. at least they are happy. at least they are laughing. & though i may laugh it off, im actualy not happy. at all.

i quarreled with friends before. mostly girls. guys.. only a few. maybe 1-2? i still rmb i quarreled with this particular guy over something very stupid & very small. no one bothered to help us. they even left me out. they would rather be close to him then be close to me. why? maybe bcos im fat & therefore no one likes me. okay. maybe a few did bother. but no one really go all the way to help me mend that particular friendship. though this guy & i are alright alrdy. but there's still this awkwardness i have when i see him. no one understands.

friends. what are friends for? those people that made fun of me. yes, some were there for me when i needed friends. but i really really wish someday, they would either stop saying or someone who is brave enough would stand up for me. which i doubt anyone would. so maybe i should just hope they would stop saying it.

i may not be the best friend anyone would want. i bitched about all my friends before. okay. maybe not alllll. but almost all. but dont judge me just bcos i bitch. at least what i say are truths. at least im not making stories up. & at least im very sure i was there for you guys before. so if you guys wanna ever judge me just bcos of my bitchyness. then why not ask yourself whether you have ever bitch about me before or not. if yes, then you can jolly fuck off cos you have no rights to judge me. if no, then im sorry. but at least it's still the truth.
(ps: dont come asking me whether i bitch about you before or not. cos i wouldnt answer you.)

so anyway, what i wanna say is, being fat & ugly is not 100% my choice. at least 80% is mine. the other 20% is genes. yes, im gonna blame it on genes. so dont judge me if you dont know me. & if you know me & still judge me. then i really have nothing to say to you.

girlfriends

2010-09-02T02:09:00.000+08:00

i had a long talk with Joan today. & she made me realize how much of an asshole i have been when i was ITE.

how petty i was. how bad tempered i was too. i only know how to quarrel with people who cared for me.

even Jiekie. the one who was once so so close to me. who shared everything with me & vice versa.
who looked out for me most of the time. but me being me. i just had to quarrel with her. something so so small. but i make it become so big! just because of this stupid pettiness i had. i was so so fucking silly back then. what's the point of regretting now!? i was dumb.

after Jiekie's incident, i didnt learn. i quarreled with Karylan, Meiting & Joan. (i forgot whether i quarreled with krystal before or not.) i was always the one picking a fight with them. over something so small. i was.. so fucking childish. i always thought i was right. never wrong.

the day i finally learn is also the day i know how much they hated/dislike me. only Steffi knew how much i cried. i still remember it was during final year project. i cried almost everyday. i didnt know why. i kept asking myself what have i done & stuff.

but i finally know & tried to change bit by bit. i never like changing myself. cos i always think that people should accept me for who i really am. but no. im actually wrong. if i could become a better person & a better friend. then i should change!

though i didnt really lose Karylan, Krystal, Meiting & Joan. but i lost Jiekie. she was a really great friend. if it wasnt for my pettiness & stubbornness. she would still be around us. it was my fault. though it has been 2years + since it happened. but i will never ever ever forget how much she has done for all of us. for me. i was a bad friend. & i hope i can make it up to them.

ive changed. yes, i may still be as bitchy as ever. but ive really changed. i didnt lose any friends in mdis due to my temper & pettiness.

anyway, the reason for this post is to let my girlfriends, mainly, Karylan, Krystal, Meiting & Joan to know that whatever i did in the past & stuff, im really really really sorry. & i hope they would still forgive me even though i know they have already put it behind them (i hope). but i really want them to know how much i love them all & how much i treasure this friendship of ours.

3 1/2 years has been tough for all of us. but we have come so far, & im sure it will go on for many many more years. i have faith in us. & i really hope if in future any one of us has any problems with each other, we must tell that person. so at least she will know where her fault is & she can change it.

girls, thank you for not leaving me like the rest. thank you for still being such good friends with me. thank you for loving me still. i appreciate it a lot. i really do. thank you. :')

(i wanted to upload pictures. but blogger is being a bitch. so oh well. :( )

=\

2010-08-29T22:36:00.000+08:00

i feel unimportant. but i guess i must be too sensitive.
what can i say? truth is, im really not close to you.
so oh well. you have other friends.
which is good of cos. not that im complaining.

im just being silly.

awesome girlfriends.

2010-08-28T05:11:00.002+08:00

20th August 2010,
a day out with Kamy & Meiting!
krystal was supposed to come along. but she had homework to finish. so... :(
joan is working & will be having dinner with her colleagues. sooo... :(
but nevertheless, we had an awesome day!

headed to fep for wanton noodles first.
kamy has chippy instead.
wanted to eat Slice. but it's closed. :(

after eating, went to Ion for awhile.
then to Cine cos Kamy wanna get something.
saw Jialeong there. but he didnt see me.
oh well. hahaha.

then walked over to 313 for ice-cream at cold rock!
uber nice!!!
sooooooo gonna bring Xinyi there next time!
hahaha.

after ice-cream, went to bugis cos meiting wanna get a bag for school.
& around 9+ we went back.
did some catching up in the train. awesome day. :)

26th August 2010,

met sweet for dinner at century square!

our fav yong tau foo!

then went to tamp1 to take neooooprinttttt. heh heh.

super cheapppp! only $5!

hahaha.

then went to pasar malam near her place.

after thattttt, me went homeeeeeee. heh.

Happy 2years! ♥♥♥♥

2010-08-25T00:41:00.001+08:00

23rd August 2010 is actually Xinyi, Steffi & mine 2nd year anniversary together.

but anyway, happy 2nd year! :D

had dinner at Sakura with sweet!
very enjoyable. we were talking about people around us most of the time. super funny.
hahahaha.
after dinner, we went to arcade. wanted to take neoprints. so went to top up the arcade card. but when we went to the neoprint machine, it actually uses $1 coins instead of cards. sooooo, we kinda decided to just play arcade games first. we were laughing so much & screaming very loudly. i think most of the time i was. hahahaha.

after that, went to take neoprints! we could actually choose 6pictures. but it ran outta time. so we only chose 4pictures. but anyway, the rest are kinda ugly. hahahaha. after that we cabbed home. it has been a lovely day with sweet! thank you for the awesome day sweet. :)

every argument, every quarrel is just a test to our friendship i guess? at the end of the arguments & quarrels, it just makes our friendship even stronger. & yes, i mentioned we have to somehow thank Engyi for this friendship. & yes, also Steffi. thank them for letting us know each other. & letting us become so close. may not meet you always. but im always a bus stop away okay! :) happy 2years again sweet! ♥

thank you for the cookie sweet! ♥

edward! ♥♥♥♥♥

2010-08-05T00:36:00.001+08:00

(12:27 AM) ❥ xinyi ':I THINK YOU WILLLOVE ME SIAL
(12:27 AM)❥ xinyi ' just sent you a nudge.
(12:28 AM) Michelle: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
HAHAHAHA
(12:28 AM) ❥ xinyi ':ready?
(12:28 AM) Michelle:HAHAHA
OKAY

& sooooo, SHE SENT ME THIS!

WAHHHH! OMG RIGHT?
SHUAI DAI LER!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO GONNA PUT IT AS MY DESKTOP WALLPAPER! HAHAHAHAHA.
SUPER SUPER HIGH NAOXZ SIA.

she say, (12:29 AM) ❥ xinyi ':rmb ah. if sad or what must see this pic

hahahahahaha. see liao happy die me lor!
she also did another one. but i prefer the one above of cos. hahahahaha

hahahahahahaha!!!!
thank you ah sweeeeet! ♥♥♥

Odd number VS Even number.

2010-08-02T00:57:00.000+08:00

the other day, siti & xinyi were telling me about the odd number & even number thingy. like, if you are in a group of 3/5/7. most likely, things wouldnt work out. but if it's 2/4/6, then it will.. kinda thing luh. so at first, i was objecting obviously. like how can you believe this kinda thing? you should be believing in the f/s instead of this silly thing whaaat. right? but then, i thought about it. & i realised, maybe.. just maybe it's true.

me, penghui, reena, peiting, valerie
me, penghui, reena, peiting, germaine
me, reena, peiting, germaine, eefang
me, reena, peiting
me, amanda, natalie
me, amanda, sarah
me, amanda, zhijun
me, sarah, zhijun
me, regina, zhijun
me, xinyi, steffi?

the only good one (which i also hope will last) is with,
kamy, krystal, meiting & joan.

plus, i also hope these f/s would last. cos it's still new.
me, xinyi & siti
me, minwei & siti
me, xinyi & carinna

or maybe, it's just me. it has nothing to do with the odd & even number thingy. maybe it's really just me. lol.

:'(

2010-07-07T14:07:00.002+08:00

imma strong girl. i dont collapse easily. nothing will bring me down.
imma cheerful girl. i dont cry easily. nothing will bring me down.
nothing will bring me down.

im alright. nothing's wrong.
everything's alright.
yah. everything's alright.

come to realize some things.

2010-06-20T23:58:00.000+08:00

so ive actually come to realize a few things.
that maybe.. just maybe i really make people think that im actually very good when im not.
been thinking about it almost the whole night.
so maybe ive been doing this w/o realizing it in the past?

next is, a really good friend told me this.
"To be able to be friends isn’t coincidence but destiny"
perhaps thats why i wasnt mad already.
perhaps thats what got me thinking.

lastly, im afraid of the 3 words.
you know... the 3words 8 letters thing.
just realized it today.
not afraid of saying it.
it's more like im afraid of hearing it.
lol.
im weird. i know.

okay.
anyway,
we said sorry.
but things dont seem the same.
which i hope it'll still be the same.
cos i actually do treasure it a lot.
& im sure she does too.
so yeah.

happy birthday again before the clock strikes 12!
so here's a picture for you since i didnt get you any cake & since i dont know how to make something like that.
so a picture is better than nothing i supposed? haha.