why the title you may ask. well, ive been fat all my life. yes. 20years. never been slim. so i dont really know what it's like to be slim & pretty.

been hearing people calling me fatty & all since the day i was in k1. im serious. mostly are guys (obviously luh). girls never did. okay. maybe some did, but i wouldnt know either. i have never been left out when i was in school. i always had friends around. always. up till secondary, i finally knew how "being left out" felt like.

i was always happy with how i looked like. i nvr really cared how fat i was. until i realized, people around me are slim & pretty. & they have many many friends. many guy friends too. people often ask me whether have i ever thought of slimming down. my answer is always no. but honestly, deep down, i really wanted to.

classmates always made fun of me. even goodfriends made fun of me. never really bother. cos i know it's just a joke. i should just laugh it off & not spoil everybody's fun. friends or even people whom im not close to always say im bubbly, cute, talkative blahblahblah. but no. im actually a very quiet person. i dont really like to talk. when im at home, im fine with not talking at all. & i wouldnt go crazy.

maybe the past me would go crazy. but now, i wouldnt. i was never afraid of public speaking. okay. i cant say never. but as long as i can remember, presentations & stuff i wouldnt get too nervous. i would still be a lil nervous. but now it's worst. i hate presentations. i hate speaking infront of the whole class. know why? i hate being judged. i feel damn self-conscious. inferior. & idk why or what made me bcome like this.

perhaps all the making fun has made me feel this way? i always tell myself, okay. it's better to be made fun of. cos at least you're the attention. & not others. at least they are happy. at least they are laughing. & though i may laugh it off, im actualy not happy. at all.

i quarreled with friends before. mostly girls. guys.. only a few. maybe 1-2? i still rmb i quarreled with this particular guy over something very stupid & very small. no one bothered to help us. they even left me out. they would rather be close to him then be close to me. why? maybe bcos im fat & therefore no one likes me. okay. maybe a few did bother. but no one really go all the way to help me mend that particular friendship. though this guy & i are alright alrdy. but there's still this awkwardness i have when i see him. no one understands.

friends. what are friends for? those people that made fun of me. yes, some were there for me when i needed friends. but i really really wish someday, they would either stop saying or someone who is brave enough would stand up for me. which i doubt anyone would. so maybe i should just hope they would stop saying it.

i may not be the best friend anyone would want. i bitched about all my friends before. okay. maybe not alllll. but almost all. but dont judge me just bcos i bitch. at least what i say are truths. at least im not making stories up. & at least im very sure i was there for you guys before. so if you guys wanna ever judge me just bcos of my bitchyness. then why not ask yourself whether you have ever bitch about me before or not. if yes, then you can jolly fuck off cos you have no rights to judge me. if no, then im sorry. but at least it's still the truth.
(ps: dont come asking me whether i bitch about you before or not. cos i wouldnt answer you.)

so anyway, what i wanna say is, being fat & ugly is not 100% my choice. at least 80% is mine. the other 20% is genes. yes, im gonna blame it on genes. so dont judge me if you dont know me. & if you know me & still judge me. then i really have nothing to say to you.

i had a long talk with Joan today. & she made me realize how much of an asshole i have been when i was ITE.

how petty i was. how bad tempered i was too. i only know how to quarrel with people who cared for me.

even Jiekie. the one who was once so so close to me. who shared everything with me & vice versa.
who looked out for me most of the time. but me being me. i just had to quarrel with her. something so so small. but i make it become so big! just because of this stupid pettiness i had. i was so so fucking silly back then. what's the point of regretting now!? i was dumb.

after Jiekie's incident, i didnt learn. i quarreled with Karylan, Meiting & Joan. (i forgot whether i quarreled with krystal before or not.) i was always the one picking a fight with them. over something so small. i was.. so fucking childish. i always thought i was right. never wrong.

the day i finally learn is also the day i know how much they hated/dislike me. only Steffi knew how much i cried. i still remember it was during final year project. i cried almost everyday. i didnt know why. i kept asking myself what have i done & stuff.

but i finally know & tried to change bit by bit. i never like changing myself. cos i always think that people should accept me for who i really am. but no. im actually wrong. if i could become a better person & a better friend. then i should change!

though i didnt really lose Karylan, Krystal, Meiting & Joan. but i lost Jiekie. she was a really great friend. if it wasnt for my pettiness & stubbornness. she would still be around us. it was my fault. though it has been 2years + since it happened. but i will never ever ever forget how much she has done for all of us. for me. i was a bad friend. & i hope i can make it up to them.

ive changed. yes, i may still be as bitchy as ever. but ive really changed. i didnt lose any friends in mdis due to my temper & pettiness.

anyway, the reason for this post is to let my girlfriends, mainly, Karylan, Krystal, Meiting & Joan to know that whatever i did in the past & stuff, im really really really sorry. & i hope they would still forgive me even though i know they have already put it behind them (i hope). but i really want them to know how much i love them all & how much i treasure this friendship of ours.

3 1/2 years has been tough for all of us. but we have come so far, & im sure it will go on for many many more years. i have faith in us. & i really hope if in future any one of us has any problems with each other, we must tell that person. so at least she will know where her fault is & she can change it.

girls, thank you for not leaving me like the rest. thank you for still being such good friends with me. thank you for loving me still. i appreciate it a lot. i really do. thank you. :')

(i wanted to upload pictures. but blogger is being a bitch. so oh well. :( )