a few months ago, im very sure i'll take advanced dip for the sake of it. but now, im no longer sure about it. i mean, yes, im very interested in video production & stuff. but the whole mass comm is just not my thing. & i also know that if i were to take something else now, my mum would kill me for sure. im just so fickle-minded. first i wanted accounting. then i wanted baking. urgh. i hate life.

i hate having money issues. i wanna go abroad for my degree. it's really my wish to study abroad. sigh. hating life now. wish i was rich. damn fucking rich.

bff's bday chalet is this friday. i cant wait to see the outcome of the cake. a little worried though. nono. dont be mistaken. not worried becos it's done by karylan. im actually very happy it's done by her. but im worried becos im helping out. LOL. im damn afraid it'll be destroyed in my hands. =\ let's just pray hard that it wouldnt happen. haha.

okay. im damn sleepy nao. goodnight people! :D

she asked me why my last-day-of-2010-post doesnt have her picture at all. so this whole post shall be dedicated to her. haha.

we met in class on 8th January 2007. been friends since then. today is 13th January 2011. it has been 4years & 5days. though it isnt like 8years or even 10years. but you know we have really been through a lot. like how we didnt like each other. how we find each other irritating & stuff. how i find you super noisy (which you havent changed at all. :x) hahaha.then how you got together with engyi, then break & patch & break & patch again. & during that period, a few guys came & go. & how engyi changed for you. how much you cried for him. how much you've been there for me. cried with me. when you cried with me, i was very touched yet i felt you were silly cos you didnt have to waste your tears & cry with me. haha. but i appreciate it.

the day when you cried with me. i know i have to keep you as a friend. i will never abandon you. you called me, waited for me to go school together. you skipped school with me. went almost everywhere with me. during valentines day you didnt mind wasting your bus fare just to accompany me around woodlands & sembawang. i remember everything that you've done for me. xiexie.

we do have our fair share of quarrels. but at least our quarrels are always the same thing. at least we dont have much problems. though we always bicker. but we both know we dont mean it at all. thank you for being able to understand me. thank you for everything. 4years later, i hope we would still be as good. cos you should know i really dont wanna lose you as a friend. :) so stop quarreling with me hor! :x hahahahahaha.

i luh you fifi. :)

this secret has been with me since 7years ago. this year is the 8th year. everyone has no idea how painful it is for me to face it every single day. thinking about it before i go to sleep. not telling my mum that i still remember it. & sometimes it still haunts me.

i was almost raped. though one of my friend said that i was, cos i couldnt tell which is which at that time. but me being me, i dont wanna know whether ive really been raped before or not. ive shared this story with every girlfriends. this may not be something im proud of. but i wanna share cos i know im strong. very strong to be exact.

i may have some sort of fear towards guys but i dont really show it. cos i know i cant judge people. since they didnt judge me, then i dont see why i have to. especially malay guys. even though it was a malay who almost raped me. i dont detest the people who are from this race. instead, i love them more.

i may not know who is actually reading this ridiculous post of mine. & may be some of you might wonder why do i have the courage to write this out & let everyone read it. maybe bcos i want people to know that, im really a strong girl. i dont like my friends worrying for me. so i tend to keep most of the things to myself. & even if i do share my stuff with them, i would always try to end my sharing with a laugh.

you may call me foolish or whatsoever. but im like this. i tend to think about things a lot. my mind has like a million things passing by. i worry a lot. i cry a lot. but i always try to control these emotions when im out with friends. yes, it may be hard at first. but i do get used to it. i mean, who doesnt like seeing their friends being happy?

some people commit suicide bcos of molest/rape cases. if im emotional like them, then i wouldve been dead long ago. do you know how painful it is when after it happened, & you called your bestfriends in sec sch & when you told them what had happened, instead of consoling or comforting you, they doubt you & say you're lying/joking. how the hell could you handle it? well, i did. i cried a lot. but there's nothing i can do if they dont believe me & wanna spread rumous about it.

i dont blame them for doing it. never did. i just.... felt hurt at that time. if you were me, would you still be as strong as me? hahaha. i always look on the brighter side of life. who doesnt get emotional? everyone do. i have a fucked up real father who abandoned me even before i was born. he has a wife. so my mum is sort of like the 3rd party. mum was rational. didnt make a big fuss over it cos she knows her own position. dad told her to abort me. mum didnt want to. how irresponsible of him right? haha. when i was born, no one liked me cos im the child with no father.

people looked at me differently at times. bcos of so much dramas & family shit, mum had depression when i was in primary school. no one knows. it was suffocating me so badly. i was molested at least thrice. 3 times! tell me, how many of you has gone through this? i doubt anyone can be worse than me. ive always wanted to spend time with my dad. always wanted to be daddy's girl. but i gave up that hope when i turned 16. i felt... hopeless.

even friends look down on me just bcos of my appearance. those "bestfriends" always make fun of me. & my own friends hardly stand up for me. & yes, that's hurting. who has ever scolded someone for me cos they were making fun of me? who has really stood up for me when i got bullied? honestly, i can say, no one at this point in time. no one. friends. friends would leave you one day too.

this is my fate. there were many times when i wanted to kill myself. wanted to flood myself with sleeping pills. wanted to cut myself until there isnt blood inside me. i have... so much emotions inside me. but whenever i try to open up to some. they would always tell me my problems are nothing compared to theirs. so mine is not bad at all?

molested 3 times.
almost raped 1 time by a bestfriend's uncle.
dad abandoned me before i was born.
relatives looked down on me cos i was the illegitimate child.
mum has depression since im in primary school.
mum wanted to kill herself many times.

now tell me, if you only have one problem. dont tell me yours is worse. cos you have no idea how much i had to keep inside me. no idea how all these made me look stronger but am actually very weak inside.

what are guys? guys who look down on me, make fun of me, never really accept me for me, totally sucks big time. they should fucking fuck off from my fucking world & get a fucking life of their own.

ive been trying to ask for help. no one actually cares. all they do is scold you, repeat the same old advises, say how silly you are, never really put themselves in your shoe. these friends... i dont really have any comments. i need counselling. but im afraid. sometimes, i hate myself a lot. hated why i have to go to that house. why was i so close to that family? did i brought this upon myself?? why me? i was only 13 back then. i had good grades. good cca. good background. i was a good girl. but why me? why destroy that little hope i have! ive really been feeling so miserable. whenever i go back to yishun, no one knows how much hurt & sadness i have. that place is always haunting me.

at times, i would still feel so afraid to be at yishun. afraid he would come for revenge. afraid the same thing might happen. im tired. i hate how my life is sort of destroyed. i hate myself for being so stupid. for trusting people so easily. i hate myself so fucking much that i wish i could kill myself w/o having to think about my mum.

i just wanna restart my life over. i want a brand new life. i wish all these nightmares would go away. im so tired.

i know after this post, im going to sleep. & when i wake up, its yet another day. & im gonna be happy again. but for how long can i stay this way? i dont know. but for now, i can still hang on. at least for my mum, i can. :'( goodnight.

wanted to blog a whole lot of emo shit.
but decided not to. so this post, is just a stupid post. thank you for even bother reading it.
& sorry for wasting your time.
goodbye.

on the last day of 2010.
i went to town with meiting to look for krystal who was working at taka.
had lunch together at ajisan. karylan came to look for us after her work.
after town, went to karylan's place for steamboat together with her mummy!
it was honestly a boring last day. we didnt do anything else except to watch tv, talk & play monopoly.
but at least, it was with karylan & meiting. so it's alright! :)

actually planned to go marina barrage cos xinyi called me & told me hussain drove them there.
so i called kingsley & asked him. :( but he needs to work till the next morning. so oh well.
next time then :(

meiting & i were at karylan's place until 5+am.
headed home, bathe & slept all the way till 6pm!

i watched twilight on starmovie channel just now! (Y)
heheheh.
okay. im going for ms raudhah's wedding tmr! heheh.
egg-cited! cant wait to see how pretty ms raudhah is gonna be! :)
& i doubt i'll be sleeping! gonna watch tv till morning! woohooooo!



ajisan!



 mango sago pudding meiting made for us! :D



 our foooooooooooood! :D :D :D








 darling girlfriends! :)



 sent this to heaven. :) hope God read all of them.



steamboat-y!