it aint cool.
kamy & weiwei told me it's cool. but actually, it's not. at all.
it's harder to talk. to work things out. solve problems etcetc.
that's why we ended it. though we really wanna get back together.
but i dont wanna wait. waiting is tough.
furthermore it sucks.
i'd rather do what i like, than wait for him to come on everyday.
mummy doesnt really like him. & he's afraid of mummy.
vice versa. im afraid of his parents. & his mum doesnt like chinese girls. only malay girls.
so what do you expect from this r/s? nothing.
actually we've already known each other for a year. we know each other when i started schooling at mdis.
but we only started to talk more in december. 
& it's another month to december! haha.
oh! & his birthday is this saturday! haha.
& im not getting anything. nice.


& know what? he told me to go pay his mum a visit. tsktsk?
obviously it's a nooooooo. what was he even thinking man? tsktsktsk.

okay. i'd rather like key than him. HAHAHAHA. :x
key is awesome. awesomeawesomeawesome. i loike. (Y)(Y)(Y)(Y)(Y)!

You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
To give me all your love is all I ever asked

Now I'm left to forget about us
But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song, you can't forget it

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way to let go of you
And I’m officially missin’ you

Q says (4:00 AM):
*its up to you to decide how you want it to be between us

so.. we're supposed to just end it like that? sometimes, i feel that you can feel how im actually feeling now. you just talked to me when i was just thinking about us. we were supposed to celebrate christmas together! you're supposed to cook for me! we were supposed to just hang out & watch movies together. you said you'll drive me to punggol end cos you think it's really beautiful there when you went the last time. i miss you. & i wish i could tell you. i would always have a reason to stay up till 7-8am. friends would always scold me. but at least i was happy during that period of time. i felt loved. & you would always chase me to bed cos you care. but now... i dont seem to have anymore reasons to stay up late. you were faraway in the past. now... you're further. i know i promised to move on. to let go. im really trying. ive been trying very hard. but whenever im alone at home, i would tend to think about those happy times. in the past, i would always try to rush home after school just to talk to you before you head to school. or i would always wait for you to end school & rush back home to talk to me. during exam period, i would always laze around. but you would always ask me to study. & if i doze off, you would miss call me. you always made me proud with your results. & i miss your cat. i miss your daily rantings. i miss your daily life stories. i miss your bad habits, cos i would always tsk whenever you do it & you'll know im not very happy. i love how sensitive you are when im not in the mood. i love how we are alike in some ways. eg. melted ice cream. i love how you would always open up to me though you're a very private person. & i also love how you always wanted me to sleep early cos you want me to live to 90years old & even found a report on people who died cos they didnt sleep early. i know you care. but you know im stubborn. & you did say you like my little stubborn fits. haha. we will never be like the past. but i guess being friends wouldnt suck that bad. take care love. :)

hello to people whom ive invited. i just needed my own space for a little while.


(5:41 PM) Q: you're my everything
i live for you
(5:41 PM) Q: i breathe for you
(5:42 PM) Q: the one thing in my life thats good
the one thing im grateful for
(5:43 PM) Q: you mean the world to me


this was in june. 20th june. when you were still at the states. when you were being a nuisance. when i chased you to bed but you wouldnt listen.



(2:55 PM) Q: its been a while since i made my pgf smile/laugh
im happy when she's happy


& that was on june 28th.


reading our old conversations & texts. just made me cry so badly. there were so many things we could talk about. you being silly & making me laugh all the time.
Dear God, please take this pain away. it's hurting so badly. this is the second time im crying so badly for him. first was when i left. & now, when he left. i guess it's fair now? maybe this is what you want? cos you werent happy that i left? im sorry. i had my reasons. forget it.
i should totally just go to bed & sleep.
yeah, i should.


imy so much.

it's so hard to have a normal conversation with you lately. im not blaming you obviously. just sad i can no longer talk to you normally. so hard to even see/find you online. where'd you go? work i suppose? you said you really wanna be able to spend more time with me. were you being serious or just one of your sweet talks? do you still like me? i really dont know. i have no idea what's on your mind. at all. & even if we talked, you would suddenly disappear. & i'll eventually get tired of waiting & go to bed. & then it would be days w/o you again. you know how much it sucks to wait? how much it sucks to not know where you are. it may be my fault for leaving you a few months ago. but i havent gotten over you yet. have you? i know we can no longer be like last time. but at least give me time. at least dont let me feel like you're avoiding me. or maybe you might find me annoying? i feel dumb. i miss you. i miss the times where i could tell you everything. every single thing. do you do this to girls all the time? or only to those who you dont really like? am i just one of those girls you got tired of? i wish we didnt even start. i wish we didnt even like each other. i wish we could be like last time. great friends. who could talk about anything. what happened? are you really busy or just ..... nvm. if you want me to get over it soon, then tell me. i'll go away until im over it.

webcam with ahtian! she was actually at my house. we were just like... a few inches away from each other. LOL.

(5:40 AM) Q: you know, i wanna be able to spend more time with you
but lately im so consumed with my work

so what does this mean? are you trying to give me assurance somehow?
idk. i really dont know what to say. we hardly talk anymore. we hardly text anymore.
i miss you so so much. :(

you're never coming back. to me.

im giving up hopes.
giving up hopes on guys.
falling in love with the wrong guys sucks big time. trust me.
you'll never ever know that feeling.
i dont want sympathy.
i dont want friends to pity me & say "dont worry. you'll meet the right one soon blahblahblah"
you guys... have no fucking idea what im going through.
dont say you know. cos you wouldnt or couldnt have possibly gone through this.
loving the wrong guy time & time again.
have you?? i doubt so.

i suck i guess?
just bcos im ugly. & fat.
that's why, no one can actually accept me for who i am?
laughing is my forte.
but how long can i keep laughing & pretending nothing is going on?
not for long.
cutting? who hasnt done it?
taking pills? who hasnt done it?
drinking? same. who hasnt done it?
are you thinking i would do silly things?
well, i dont think i would.
ive gone through all this.
oh. ive not been admitted to the hospital before! haha.
maybe my next life would be hell lot better than this?
maybe i would get an awesome boyfriend, awesome friends & family?
haha. maybe hur?

every guy ive met, has let me down. even the guys mum met.
how can i even trust guys already?
im losing faith & hope.
im losing everything.
im not trying to gain sympathy.
so if you're a friend or a really good friend, & you're pitying me.
then go away.
i had enough of those.
i want & need another short getaway.
this time, maybe away from every single one of my friends & family?

i feel like crying out loud.
but the stubborn tears is holding back.
& i really dont know or understand why.
maybe it's trying to wait until the day i can no longer take it?
i hope not.
cos by then, i would've died of heart attack or something.
hah.
this... is life.
but im getting sick of this life of mine.
what should i do?
im getting so tired of it already.
is it time to write letters & stuff to everyone?
idk.
i think i need counselling too.
:'(

this post,
might be how i call for help from people.
help? :'(
i might be giving this life up soon.